pillow talk
by Kailey Hamilton
Summary: "They won't betray us, Lily." "Easy for you to say, James. You've never been betrayed by someone you loved." Things aren't always easy for the Potters. Lily/James. Oneshot for Rae.


_Notes:__ For __**Rae (KeepsAwayTheNargles)**__ for the Gift-Giving Extravaganza. Also for the Hunger Games Fanfic Style Competition II (prompts used: word, emotion, dialogue, word count and subject.)_

* * *

**pillow talk**

Lily stared at the full-length body mirror in her bedroom and sighed. It was normally the four boys and her, and even as house was too small for the five of them, it felt wrong when it was this quiet. She was missing the melodious laughter of the group, the joyful chitchat, the island of normalcy in the midst of the chaos that was her life.

She missed them. After all, James's friends were her friends now. Almost everyone else had faded away from her life, everyone but the Order of the Phoenix. Her fellow warriors.

_But I'm about to hide, and I'll lose them as well._

More than once, Lily had thought of messing up the charm. Maybe she hadn't practiced enough. Maybe it was just too difficult, even if she'd earned the highest grade on her Charms NEWT and she felt prepared for anything. It was a dark thought - but at least, it would give her some control over her life. A life that wasn't going the way she'd planned.

Her gaze was focused on the mirror again, her thoughts pushed to the back of her mind. She raised her shirt up to his chest and looked at her stomach area. Almost immediately, she felt her heart burst, as if all the love she'd ever felt was coming back to her at once. As if nothing else mattered but the life she was holding inside. She was counting the seconds to meet this person she already loved so wholly...

_...but that doesn't take away from the fact that I'm only twenty and I'm pregnant without any future and waiting for death hiding like a rat._

Lily shuddered. Her belly might be starting to bulge just enough, but otherwise, she looked just as she did when she was seventeen. She felt young and restless; she felt like life itself was willing her to act. Motherhood was wrong, and it was right, and was all and none of what she needed and_ Merlin can I just lie down and cry?_

That she could do. In fact, it was in that exact same position James found her a few minutes later. Lily only realized this when she felt his hands in her hair. Her muscles relaxed, but tears continued to flow. Eventually she felt his chest against her back, and his arm around her waist. His hand was on top of her belly, as if he was attempting to hold the baby as well.

_Is this any good for the baby? Surely all this stress can't be healthy...?_

Only that thought could make her regain control. She forced herself to take deep breaths to even out the turmoil. She let herself give into James's embrace. Soon enough, the familiar fatigue that happens after a good cry set in._ I needed that._

"Hi." James whispered in her ear after a minute or two.

"Hello."

"How are you?"

"Better now you're here."

"Always glad to help."

"Any news?"

"Peter will be coming by once he finishes his shift. Are you ready?"

She sat up, trying to postpone her own answer.

_Yes. I'm ready to perform the most difficult charm I've ever performed._

_No. I'm not ready to have Peter as my Secret-Keeper._

It was an unkind, unfair thought. But she couldn't help it. There was a plan. The plan was good - perfect, even. Why change it? Why delay it? The beat of the clock meant precious seconds wasted, precious seconds in which it could suddenly become too late.

"James, I just... I just want to understand. Sirius is the one we're trusting with our child for a reason. Why not him?"

"If you trust him with our baby, trust him with this decision." James sat up as well, searching for her eyes. "We cannot force him to be Secret-Keeper if he doesn't want to, and Peter is just as good."

Peter's merry face came to mind. Peter, who had cried at their wedding. Peter, who had done all that was in his power to accompany a friend during painful times. Peter, who had wit and unusual talents hidden behind an ordinary mask.

_Peter, whom everyone underestimates._

"You-Know-Who will go for Sirius nonetheless. Is Sirius afraid of giving us away? If so, why should we trust anyone at all? Who is to say You-Know-Who won't go after Peter...?"

"They won't betray us, Lily."

"Easy for you to say, James." Lily crossed her arms. "You've never been betrayed by someone you loved. It's easy for you to believe betrayal only works in your favor."

Every time she said something pungent, she half-expected James to rise up. But he looked down and away, as if following the thread of thought she had let him on. When he spoke, his voice was strangely airless.

"For what it's worth, Lily, I'll never betray you."

"It's worth a great deal indeed." She had little mercy at the time for his displays of regret. "But this is about wasting our time here, wasting our lives, having to depend on people to-"

"What option do we have?"

"We could fight."

Lily knew the words were ridiculous even before she said them, but _all this waiting around is driving me mad and I just can't-_

"You say that as if you weren't carrying our son."

"He won't be able to hide forever, either. What will be of us a year from now? Or five? Ten? What kind of future is this, James?"

Things had a manner of escalating like that. Lily wanted to tell him a genuine concern and there she was, spilling every single thing that was making her anxious, as if it were all his fault.

"Don't you think I've asked myself that very same question, Lily?" James asked in an even voice. "Do you think I've got the answers? Ever since I've met you, I've dreamed of forming a family with you. Do you think this is how I wanted it to go?"

_He's right. He's so very right. _Even in her altered state, there was finally place for mercy. This was James's life, too. James wanted to fight. James didn't want to put his friends on the line. James wanted the best for his blossoming family, and she was just making things more difficult for him.

"I'm sorry, James. You're right."

It took him a few seconds to answer. "It's okay."

"I'm just... scared," she admitted. "And there's no one else I can talk to."

Once again, James was reaching for a hug. Lily didn't resist. Her arms enveloped him tightly as her head fell on his shoulder.

"Talk to me, then," he said. "All I want is for you to be happy and safe. It's okay for us to take a break now, alright? You need to fight for one person now, and that is our little one."

"I know, I know. I just-"

"It's good that you know." His tone was considerably lighter. "You'll probably have to remind me later."

Lily smiled. She'd expected James to be the one complaining about the inaction and there she was. _That's because he gets to choose and I don't._ And to her surprise, she didn't resent him for it. _He chooses to stay with me. He chooses to do all in his power to make me happy._

Lily pulled back, searching for James's gaze. He wasn't wearing his glasses. Even as he looked into her eyes, all he saw was probably out of focus. He still looked at her as if she was the most beautiful, the most amazing thing he'd ever seen, and Lily didn't even need to him declare his love for her. She knew.

James loved her, even at her very worst. And that was worth all the fears.


End file.
